So hard to get back on track!!!!!

Today is the day that I decided enough was enough and we are half way through the day and so far so good. Why is it so hard to get back on track??? I was doing so good for so long and now it seems like it was harder to get motivated again. I actually found myself saying that I didn't care anymore, I will just be fat forever, but I know that's not what I want. I watched the biggest loser last night and I saw Matt win ( we are a few seasons behind here on middle east TV channels)I searched online and read that Matt and Suzy actually got married and had a child together ..how cute, match made in reality TV heaven LOL. Anyway back to be. I weighed in this morning 2 pounds heavier now at 291, only 9 pounds away from the place I vowed that I never wanted to see again. This is the turning point for me( I don't know how many times I said this) but I really WANT to mean it this time. I want to be less than 200 pounds and I know eating whatever I want isn't going to get me here, I want to lose 50 more pounds before the end of the summer, I want to feel good about myself, I want to look in the mirror and not be totally disgusted by what I see. I want to be a health fit fun mom , and be able to run around in the yard and play with my children. I want to be a hot sexy wife that can go in any store and buy a nice outfit and be able to find my size without searching for a store that has FAT people clothes, is this too much to ask for??? Am I being unreal??? Is this ever going to be my reality, I thought that I had crossed these hurdles in my mind before, how in the world did I get back here??? Well I cant look back, I have to move forward and I have to keep working, I cant give up. I am not a loser and I know I have the will in me to do this, I just need to ask God to give me more strength, I have to look at myself and figure out where I am going wrong, what am I doing to make this reality that I long for so difficult to achieve. I suppose I need to do some soul searching and get myself spiritually right so that the physical part will fall in sync, I don't know, I am willing to try anything. One thing I know for sure I want to see the scale move the other way and I don't want to have to starve myself to get there.
HERE's TO HOPE!!!!!!!